Back in the mid 90’s, I studied for a Bachelor of Education in Early Childhood. I remember learning about a lot of theories on child development, and one particularly stood out to me, attachment theory.
Attachment theory posits that infants need to form a close relationship with at least one primary caregiver to ensure their survival and to develop healthy social and emotional functioning. What’s important to know about this theory is that this closeness, or ‘safety’ happens in the very early years – in infancy – before language has developed. It occurs through physical closeness, loving attention to the child’s needs, and through arguably the most important of ways, eye contact.
In secure attachment, mutual eye gaze between infant and caregiver plays a vital role in developing emotional regulation, safety, and identity. The infant ‘finds themselves’, in the caregiver’s gaze, the eyes reflect back their worth and wholeness. No guesses what might happen with the opposite.
What is interesting is that in my work over the past decade as a health and healing coach, I’ve been led back into that theory through my research to understand the most powerful hormone we have, being oxytocin.
Oxytocin isn’t just a cuddle and bonding hormone.
It is presence. It is a neuropeptide that is released when your body senses, “I am safe to be what I am, as I am.”
When we do things like speak our truth – when our words and actions match our inner world, our inner truth. When we are present to ourselves and to where we are (not living in the past or future), and when we remember who we are make our inner selves safe again, or home.
The thing is, the majority of my clients over the years – and myself until a few years ago – don’t feel safe to be what they are, as they are. They don’t speak their truth, are not grounded in the present, and they don’t feel safe within.
People come to me because they are trying to change their habits, to feel well, and to thrive. And they don’t know how to change what they know they need to change. They’re not weak or undisciplined. But when you look at the big picture, there is something missing… a regular supply of innate oxytocin.
If we don’t create the internal conditions for oxytocin to be released, we crave it externally. It’s that essential to our survival that we will seek it anywhere. In others, in food, alcohol, drugs, or anything that can mirror back our safety, comfort and worth. The problem with that is that we become dependent on these external things, which are not just unreliable, but often damaging to our own health or those around us.
This isn’t about blaming your parents for what you may or may not have received. It’s about taking accountability as an adult to give yourself that which you truly need. A reconnection to your essence, your values, your innate worth that came with you at birth. So you can live the life you deserve, and thrive.
So while we may all be on a search for the quick fix that could take a lifetime to never find, the answers truly are so much closer to home than you think.